Transcription
(00:00):
So hopefully the rain in the background is not too distracting, but I thought it might be peaceful to make this audio with it in the background. So I want to start with have you ever felt like you were experiencing a very traumatic event or triggered to think of something that was traumatic, but you’re in a safe space to do so? It was very conflicting. So I had another session with Ryan. It was very conflicting. It made my brain hurt, but that’s exactly what I just keep coming to is I was conflicted, very conflicted. So I have had some very traumatic experiences in the past. I unfortunately was,
(01:11):
I
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Was kidnapped at a very young age and I was held hostage for six days in a man’s apartment. I’ve gone through a lot of therapy, but if I’m still having these emotions when asked about it, I don’t think I’ve actually processed and worked through it. That all changed on Tuesday when I had my session with Ryan again. He has done more progress than I have in the almost six years that I’ve suppressed these emotions. From that experience. I trust Ryan with a lot of myself. In the beginning I was very nervous and all of those things, but
(02:26):
I
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Do deeply trust Ryan at this point. And we’ve only had two sessions, so that should say a lot about this man. So a little bit more detail about this session with the traumatic experience. A lot of the emotions that I was feeling as a kid was the feeling of helplessness, somebody using me, not feeling like I’m enough to be rescued. These are all interesting things that have led to who wants, and I guess the best word to describe it is kinks later on in my life. So as Ryan and I are talking about this, he’s asked me on my session, have you been able to work through the fact that you were kidnapped and raped? And I said, no. So that was the day that Ryan introduced me to, I’m just going to call it a sex bench. It’s a bench that you’re able to do a lot of different things on and also was able to choose between that and a St. Andrew’s cross, which is a cross that you can get restrained to. So I was restrained to this bench because I wanted to start with this bench first. The first thing I noticed is the truss that I had when going down to this basement area where these
(04:26):
Things were, and I made Ryan go down first. That’s a big thing for me to have realized. The second thing was I was comfortable, but I was very out of my comfort zone as far as seeing these things. And then Ryan’s like, all right, well, I’m going to tie you to this thing, and you have green, yellow, and red basically, and wherever those are, red is stop. Yellow is you’re pushing it, but you don’t need to stop and green is your fine. So I was restrained to this and there was some sensory kind of play, and I was okay with that. It was green, and then he started to push things and I started saying yellow a little bit more often, and then all of a sudden he just up and left. He actually left me with the lights off. By the way. I couldn’t get this blindfold to stay on, and I could hear him upstairs, and I actually started to cry. I was very conflicted in that moment to feel like I was left and not wanted for one, but also I felt like Ryan would never just leave me because I trust this man and this is a very safe space.
(06:22):
I also felt very vulnerable, and it immediately triggered a very graphic memory of me being in this apartment when I was kidnapped at a younger age. So Ryan came back and we did some edging and I had one of the biggest releases so far with Ryan. It was the best feeling that I’ve ever experienced, and I did really feel like there was a big part that was released out of that, but also making this audio for hopefully other women to hear. You also can see that this is also a big process for me to be verbalizing this to other people because I hope that if somebody else experienced this with Ryan, it is one of the best things you can do for yourself if you truly want to change, because you will change after it. These kind of devices that people use and sensory play and other play have been misled as scary or whatnot. But when you need to face a bad memory and to process through it, talking about it doesn’t always work. And I’ve noticed that sitting here with Ryan and him helping me work through something that’s sexually traumatic, I did realize that him pushing me in a safe place
(08:18):
And also in a safe space because I trust Ryan has dramatically changed.
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And a little couple days later, I noticed that I was also branching out to a lot more people. My confidence has shot out the roof. I’m so proud of myself because I am getting out there. I am more sex positive. I have not contacted my boyfriend. So if you’ve heard my first testimony, you’ve probably heard that had some ex issues in keeping him around, but I haven’t reached out to him. I don’t feel the need to. I’m meeting some awesome people and I’m enjoying sex more because I am doing it for myself. I’m doing it for me and what makes me feel good and not what I think others want. And that session was really a changing point for that. So yeah, again, Ryan is an amazing guy and he’s doing so much to change women’s lives, but me personally, he’s changed mine and I’m only on the second session. So I hope you take this with I a positive outlook, and I hope people get the same reactions as I did with the second session with Ryan.